Tags:essays
Her mental health. My reflection.
"And on the days you don't know what to choose ... choose your mental health..."Days are passing and i become aware that my mental health is worse and worse.I pretend all is ok.But ... i guess all is obvious.I try to disconnect from the world i am living in.I try to hide the truth.Most certainly ... i've lost control on myself by a long, long time ... but i try to delay that all to become obvious for everyone.Unfortunately .... It is late.I've ignored too much ... all those details whispering that i am into a non-ending journey on a pathless path.Or maybe i should say pathless paths.I might illusory believe that i can improve things ... but ...Well ... between all those things ... i had to decide to remain calm and have a good mental health.There was nothing to choose for real.But ... i was blind.Stupid.Continuing acting as an idiot.I was not seeing the full picture.I couldn't do it.Or maybe ... not really ready.So .... I've just continued to waste my existence.Fortunately ... i was writing down everything ... everyday.As a self therapy.Hoping things will improve.Believing i must always choose between being on a pathless path and another.But …
BEYOND THE NONSENSE … THERE IS A PATH
And one day .... you see no difference between your world and the life in North Korea ... but you don’t know whyWhen i began to study the nonsense ... i realized that ... behind the nonsense there is a path that we can’t see.When i say nonsense ... i mean all our silly actions ... or thoughts.We live in a robotic way ... and even if we are not happy in the present moment ... we just continue everything in the same way ... on and on and on.One day, we even start to believe that we live in a prison ... or prisons.The job is a prison.The marriage is a prison.Everything around ... is just a repetitive way of living ... having no sense at all.There is no joy of being alive.You actually have a life similar with the one of the people from North Korea ... but the problem is that you are the dictator ... and you was the one that somehow chose the prison ... or even built it.No one forced you to go at the job you have now and actually you can change it anytime.No one forced you to get married and in fact you can change the partner ... or just ... simple divorce.You see no difference between your world and the life in North Korea ... but you don’t know why.Well ... let me tell you the truth.You accepted the nonsense as your main way of living your life.You are the one that is responsible for your unhappiness ... and in fact ... you are also the one that could change everything right away.The nonsense is a pathless path ... that actually goes to your soul.Accepting its presence ... defining it ... you realize that beyond it ... there is indeed a path.The present moment.Enjoy it!The prison ... even if it is only metaphoric ... or a real one ... is the best place you could be ... but you need to understand that the only secret is that we should enjoy life and feel alive.
Beyond the boundaries ... of the human being
"I have nothing to say ... and i am saying it"I am ... writing.Yes ... i keep writing.I keep .... expressing myself ... even if many of the things i write .. are actually a clear evidence of the ... nonsense ... which is dominating my whole existence.Yes ... i keep writing ... doing it as a self therapy ... which i need a lot.It's sort of a ... treatment.I do it everyday.Day ... by day.And days are passing ... then weeks ... then months ... but nothing improves.No ...Life still continues ... as a story about the nonsense into its absolute form.So ... i keep expressing myself ... having nothing to say ... but illusory expecting to receive important messages ... from my inner soul.Maybe ... all is an abstract tendency of going beyond the boundaries ... of my being.And ... i desperately try it.Expressing ...Expressing ...Expressing ...But ... not saying anything.Most probably ... i am still disconnected of the inner self.And ... no matter as much as i try ... nothing changes.I guess it's normal.I am an ordinary human being ... same as the others ... dominated by the nonsense ... without any real control on myself ... and ...Well ... life continues anyway.I also continue to write.I continue to express ... that "nothing" from inside of myself.Looking ... like uselessBut ... i am just doing my therapy sessions.On ... and on and on ...
MY LIFE IN A PRISON WITH INVISIBLE WALLS
If you ask a school boy about the ideal life ... that is one without homework and very long vacations.The summer vacation is the ideal time for them ... but still one day the autumn is coming.If you ask an employe in a corporation about the ideal life ... he will say that he would love as the working week to have 2 days of work a day instead of 5.The school boy, no matter the age ... is not feeling free.Years ago ... when he was not in school ... he felt the freedom of doing only what he wanted to do.The employee from the corporation, even if he knows that he is paid very, very well ... he is not feeling free either.But why?!Well ... cause the society is teaching us ... somehow by force ... to live in ... “prisons”.Now let me give you another example.Let’s assume the case of a businessman, that already had success, has a beautiful house, has money, a good company, a wife, beautiful kids .... basically everything.And ... still ... if you ask him if he is happy ... he will only reply that a piece from the puzzle is missing.I know lots of businessmen that have a great success ... and even if they have everything ... almost all of them have a mistress that is completing their lives.It’s a non sense ... i know ... cause most of them have the perfect life scenario.An amazing house.A amazing car ... or cars.A beautiful wife.Very nice children.... and?!Why this nonsense?!Why does a person look for something else when already has the perfect life?!Well ... cause what we call ... perfection ... is only a dogmatic way of seeing life.The missing piece from the puzzle is the mistress ... that makes him feel loved in a totally different way.She makes him be ... a free person.A hobby would make the school boy and even the employee from the corporation ... to love what is doing ... and also feel free ... enjoying the present activity.You see ... no matter what path we chose in life ... the moment when we forget about the dogmatic path of living ... we feel the freedom.We feel alive.Our actions ... will look like a total nonsense to the others ... but we will be happy.The human being is looking for perfection ... but the happiness is not found in there.The dogmatism will never help us to ... be us.But ... on the path of discovering ... the real path ... at least we will have the guts to ... dream ... about the real freedom.
EXPLORING OURSELVES
There are many times in life when we have lots of existential questions inside of our minds.Accepting those thoughts ... and actually embracing them is the path for understanding but also having a normal ... and why not ... also a beautiful life.I personally try to understand those existential questions from the early age of 4 or 5.One of the things that i remember from that time was that i was in the kitchen with my mother and she was explaining me that we live in a world with bad people and i should be aware of that.Maybe if she was telling me that Santa Claus was not real, i would have accepted that much easier.But i totally disliked what she told me and it was the first time when i disconnected myself from her.I told to myself ... “This is not true. I will explore the world and i will prove that this is not true. Noooo ... we don’t live in a world with bad people!”.It was the start of my journey on a philosophical path, that for many, many times looked like a pathless path to me, but also to the ones were looking at me.As a child i was an introvert, but today ... after socializing so, so much with so many people that i met ... i became an extrovert.And ... i accept on the stage of my life absolutely any kind of person ... i met.Even if i don’t like that person ... or i don’t feel comfortable in the presence of that spirit ... i continue my journey of exploring the human beings and i kind of like it.I try to ... read ... people ... to see each one of them as a book, cause all of them ... have their own stories... and i also try to somehow ... invent .. a guide of surviving in this world.I felt many times, probably same as you, that my mother’s theory about the world is true ... and i was too idealistic for this Universe ... but i still had the hope that things will always change into better.I was exploring life ... and while doing this i discovered that even in bad things, i will always find a beautiful side.So ... there is an ugly and a beautiful side, but depends which one we are seeing ... and the world itself can be defined as ugly or beautiful ... only and only by what we actually understand from what we see.And ... to learn the art of observing the world ... first we need to explore life ... with all its aspects and then ... meditate and ask ourselves before defining anything if it’s worth losing our time with the ugly elements ... when still life has so, so many beautiful sides.
BEHIND THE ABSTRACT
Someone once said to me ... “I don’t want to be abstract ... I want it to be real”.It was the reply at the fact that i’ve said to her that a friend of mine, that was in fact married, was loving her in an abstract way.But we all do the same ... we refuse to understand the meaning of the abstract in our lives ... or to see what is the message behind the message.And then we live the same experiences on and on and on ... and we keep wondering why ... why ... why??!!I believe today that refusing to start learning the art of understanding the abstract ... is a way of refusing to continue growing as a spiritual being.Somehow the Universe, even if we dislike it, gives us the same lesson on and on and on ... but we just can’t see that the Universe loves us ... all of us ... and tries all the time to save and help us ... to understand what we call lessons of life.The abstract is strange sometimes ... i know ... but seeing what is behind the abstract, you understand the meaning of life.So ... how should we start?!Where we should pay more attention in the events from our lives?!Well ... somehow is quite simple.Everything has a huge impact on us ... annoys us in a terrible way ... or has a repetitive character ... in there you will find the meaning of the lessons you need to study.In the end ... we can even use the slogan ... “It’s not what it looks like” ... cause probably this is the real definition of the abstract.But can we ignore the signs?! ... the lessons?!You might have moments when you could believe that ... but then the power of the message will have a stronger intensity.And will be repeat on and on and on ... and the abstract values will annoy you in a terrible way.The solution?!Maybe ... just have an opened mind and pay attention to the details.So ... we should spend life only meditating?!Sure not ... but we should keep the right balance between living and enjoying life ... and also thinking about it ... its messages and how we could grow as spiritual beings.And probably keep in mind that ... behind the abstract there is a always message.
INSERT COIN
Having dreams is .... normal.We also see people having clear goals ... and it's quite interesting... looking like a more organised person which is dreaming.... on and on and on.And the truth is ... that the human being could be defined as a machine ... that is always coming up with new and new desires.I look into my past ... and i see myself saying in front of the Universe ... i want that and that ... and that.And ... i can't stop myself ... even if i know that same as Budha said ... the desire itself is the source of all the human pain.I smile realising how i've wasted my life chasing for on million contradictory desires.... but also honestly realising ... this is a non ending story.So ... starting a weird process of self therapy... analysing all those desires ... especially the ones that obsessed myself ... I've finally concluded that in fact ... i want more to "taste" those desires.It was like i loved Rolls Royce... and i wanted to drive such an amazing car ... but i did not really wanting to pay such a huge price for this car .... the maintenance ... the taxes …the insurance etc.In fact ... all i wanted was to ... drive it ... for a while ... and enjoy the sensation of doing it.And the list of similar desires ... was so damn long ...So ... i wanted that ... and that and that ... hoping in fact that ... i'll get some sensations... which will bring me nice vibes into my soul.But .... It was only one problem.I did not really wanted to ... pay the price.Almost ... for any of those desires which were dominating obsessively my existence.Time was passing ... and i was somehow ending all the time ... being sad and disappointed.... cause my desires did not became real.Not all of them ... but many.But ... i've also noticed with some of those weird desires which i had .... that they were not what I've imagined.It was indeed all ... illusory.I could simple try and test all ... simple paying a price ... like renting the Rolls ... and see if i really want such a car.It was not that i could afford it ... but i could try to taste it ... by paying a minimum price for that ... only to understand better if that was a good path to follow or not.I had to insert ... a coin.But i was not really ready to do it.Yes ... not even pay ... a vey little price for it.I was just dreaming ... so nicely pretending i have clear goals with my life ... but all i was doing was to allow being dominated by those illusory desires.And this moment when i've understood i have only 3 choices... my life changed.Firstly ... I could ... stop dreaming.Or i could pay the price of getting that desire ... and stop being so stupid ... believing that a great dream ... costs 2 pennies.Or ... i could simple .... "taste" a little bit that desire .... see if i really want it ... and then decide if i delete that obsession from my mind ... or not.So ... all was about ... insert coin ... paying the price for it ... or .... simply stop myself dreaming with my eyes opened... like an idiot.
THE ERA OF NONSENSE
Times had changed.All is different.People, society itself ... the way we connect with this world we are living in.Everything.And it is not that things are totally different than 1000 or maybe even 2000 years ago.Fortunately or unfortunately i see serious changes even than 20, 10 or i could even say 5 years ago.Personally for me is difficult to adapt to this new world.Extremely.First of all cause i am not dogmatic anymore.In fact, i even detest everything related to dogmatism.But what am i trying to say?!... without having that type of boringness a grandpa has.I guess ... my main concern is strictly related to the nonsense, cause ... yes ... i believe we really live into the era of the nonsense.Comparing to how things use to be ... it's not that we see a huge change ... but too many things look illogical.Really illogical.And i smile.In fact, i even laugh.I look around myself, seeing lots of princes and princesses.And even people daring to see themselves as kings and queens.Indeed an era, which is under the total domination of our egos.Yes ... that false self.Most probably that is the new reality and i need to accept it.I have to understand that the values of the human being had changed.Or at least ... for many, many of us.And it is so, so funny cause we believe that all we see is true.Maybe even try to be the same as them.Pay a lot of attention to how we dress.The brands, the style ... and all related with the look.Maybe accept that consuming of drugs is normal, allowing us to live a certain type of happiness which we can't live in normal circumstances.Using personal growth ... the techniques of affirmations and all related to that to make everyone believe that we really are into a certain way.I mean ... the best a human being can be.But ... i laugh when i see everyone believing into a certain type of superiority above anyone around.I laugh seeing simple people suffering so, so much of prince or princess syndrome.I laugh of their blindness.I laugh in front of such a nonsense.I see all that as a representation of a pathetic lifestyle.... but i will just define all as a nonsense.I try to stay disconnected of this new type of society.I try to not accept it as normality and actually reject its influences for my soul.But i continue writing.Analysing.Defining.Hoping that one day people will realise what is really the meaning of the concepts as ... illusion of life, illusion of the self ... and in fact all related with the term ... illusion.Avoiding to annoy too many of you, i try to write only of what i believe it is actually ... illogical.Cause i know that beyond the nonsense there is a very powerful message.One ... which we hided too much.And is late.Almost too late.
THINK … DEEPER
Have you even asked yourself why so many people in this world are living an unhappy life?!But what about you?!Are you a happy person ... or not?!And if not ... have you ever thought why?!Is just a simple question, same as you would ask yourself why you don’t know skying ... if you never took lessons for that?!You see ... truth be told ... in school we’ve learnt lots of things, including complicated math formulas, languages that we will never use in life, chemistry issues that will not serve us with nothing etc etc ... but no one ever bothered to teach us at least a short list with things to do .. for having a beautiful .. and why not ... an amazing life.I mean .. we can easily understand that we can’t paint if we haven’t learnt the art of painting, we can’t sing piano without a little bit of help came by a piano teacher etc etc ... but when it comes to life ... to our private lives in fact ... we simple can’t find the path for a non ending great story.There is always something that is ruining our vibes.We find ... lots of silly problems ... and we actually allow them to disturb us from staying on the right spiritual frequency ... and in fact ... enjoy life.But ... let me tell you the truth ... i did the same for years ... many, many years in a row.My life was kind of an emotional dance ... between good and bad vibes ... but i could not find a way of stopping it.I even named it ... in a silly way ... the dance of emotions.Until one day when i realized that this nonsense journey back and forth ... from good to bad energies ... was ruining my inner soul.I knew i had to stop it, but i felt i had no control over the process.It all looked like i was in a prison with invisible walls ... and i had no escape at all.I started to meditate.More and more.Understood that i need to look deeper ... why i have this silly balance of duality ... if i want a beautiful life.This is when i started to look deeper and deeper ... analyzing and defining my life from on million perspectives.In the end .. by talking to myself a lot, but also writing my thoughts ... i somehow became my own therapist.I invite you in a journey of discovering the way of thinking deeper ... what life is really about ... and how we can remove the negative elements from our timeline ... but also replace them with beautiful things that might bring us an existance fulfilled with eternal great vibes.
DISCONNECTING ... ... seen as un amazing trick for a beautiful life
Disconnect ... connect ... disconnect again ... re connect ... seen as a circle of life.I try to understand life.But ... it's probably an illusory desire.Most probably ... the real truth is that i want to know how can i totally disconnect from all what means negativity.Totally disconnect from .... unhappiness ... and all what makes me feel ... depressed..... my anger, my frustrations, my envy, my jealousy, my .... all this large spectrum of negative feelings and emotions.And ... i keep meditating.I keep ... exploring.I pretend i want to know what this universe is ... but all i want is to find out how i can be happy ... or at least eliminate this sadness from my soul.And more i analyse... more i feel that it is all about ... disconnecting.Cause .... yes ... i can't stop being angry if i don't disconnect from the reasons why ... i am angry.I can't stop myself be jealous ... if i don't disconnect from the reasons why i am jealous.I can't stop myself ... envy someone ... if i don't totally disconnect from that person.I can't stop being furious ... if I don't disconnect from the reasons why i am furious.But ... i am too illogical to be able to stop being dominated by ... sadness.Yes ... too illogical.I could simple keep in mind those ideas ... and the moment when i feel any negative vibe ... try to understand right away why i feel that ... and what i have to disconnect from.It is simple.But ... maybe too simple for an idiot as myself.Fortunately ... being my own therapist ... I continue this charade of pretending i am sort of a philosopher or psychologist … trying in find to find out the reasons of my unhappiness.And ... i keep analysing.More ... and more ...The funny thing is that ... today ... i trend to believe that a beautiful life is a lot related on the ability of being disconnected ... from negativity.Cause ... life itself is beautiful.So ... maybe i should become more conscious ... on the stage of life.Feel better ... the energies ... and be more selective ...
The weird hobby of being a lost soul … an amazing journey on beautiful pathless paths
Experiencing a path that takes us to nowhere … it’s not useless.We should understand and accept that not the destination is important … cause life has no real destination.…but what it is really important is maybe the experience itself.Good … bad … however it is … it all has the meaning to reveal to us the dance of energies beyond the scene of reality… making us aware that all is … energy.Into the end … maybe there is only one conclusion … but i hate saying it.Well … we could chose to connect just on the beautiful vibrations of life … and totally ignore negativity.But … we can’t.I … can’t …Maybe … i’ll never be able to do it.So … life continues …. revealing new and new experiences… and i still don’t really understand the energies ……. the amazing dance of energies.Looking … like a cocktail of …. elements … which induces us the illusion of the abstract.I smile … and i stop being annoyed.I allow to life to continue … and i finally accept that in fact … life would continue anyway … with or without my approval.And … all i have to do is just to experience it … with or without joy … even if i know that the only purpose is to evolve spiritually.So ….
The secret of a beautiful life ... is a lot related with the ability of managing the energies around ourselves
I had no idea about the fact that life is a lot related with the energies beyond ourselves.The ones generated by our ideas, thoughts, feelings ... and in fact all is in our heart ... or mind.I was not aware of the influences came from this side ... not even thinking for a second that soon ... all these energies will be metamorphosed into ... dominance.And i continued my life like that for years.... having no idea what the nonsense is.Believing ... it's real ...... and also that its appearance on the scene of life... it's normal.... us not being able to do anything against that.There were moments when i could actually see some of the ideas of why some things beyond reality influence so much the present moment .... but i was indeed ... blind.I was suffering of ... spiritual blindness.Time passed again ... and my life ... becoming kind of a nightmare ... i realised i need to change something.But what?!I had ... absolutely no idea.Well ... until ... thinking deeper and deeper ... and accepting the influences came from my thoughts and emotions .... but also that people around myself were having their own thoughts and emotions ... sometimes in total contradiction with my own ....All i had to do ... was to learn how i manage those energies ... so i finally accept that life is about the art of managing energies.... understanding them.... connecting and disconnecting from them ... but ...There was always ... a but.I was balancing between accepting and not accepting that ... even if i had to do it.In fact ... it was ... a must.I really had to learn this art of managing energies.... my own energies.... but also the ones generated by the ones from the scene of my life.And i had only 2 options.To continue allowing the nonsense to dominate my life ... or start to act like a magician ... that knows to metamorphose everything ... in whatever i would want.... but with good intentions!Well ... time passed again ... and my weird emotional dance ... kept dominating my being.I was believing and ... not believing.... allowing into this way ... as the nonsense to continue its role.On ... and on ... and on.